Fuzzy Logic

Writers Note: This post was tentatively titled: “Big Balls Inc.” Bailout for Implants”, but was rejected for inappropriate language.  I’m fairly sure *this* title has none of that.

As was widely reported today, the Adult Entertainment Industry, headed by Larry Flynt and Joe Francis, asked today for a $5 billion federal bailout.  Now, obviously, some people laughed this off, but I really want us to consider this.  Is this really such a bad idea?  Could the industry survive without a bailout?  How many jobs would be created by this bailout?  Let’s take a slightly closer (but not too close–makeup can only do so much!) look at this proposal.

First, could the industry survive without this bailout?  Let’s be honest–there are always going to be people who are willing to have sex for money while professional crews film them, and there are always going to guys and girls who are looking for a little bit more.  Now, it is not up to us to question their morals.  We don’t truly know who all views porn.  We suspect that teens talk about it online while talking about sex but, unfortunately, Captain Obvious hasn’t managed to get a research grant for THAT yet.  Maybe the person viewing it is just a nice person, wanting to save  their virginity for marriage, so they watch porn to help them cope.  Maybe they’re into a fetish but don’t feel like divorcing their partner.  Maybe they’re just bored and wanting to kill time on the Internet.  The point is, we can’t judge them… but they will always exist and people will always make porn.

We gave a bailout to the car industry.  We gave a bailout to the banks.  We’re allowing crooks to run around after stealing billions of dollars.  But we won’t give the porn industry a bailout?

Hell, they’re the porn industry and they still screwed less people than the banks.

The economic affects of this cannot be understated.  A fresh supply of high resolution, extremely niche porn is required to keep the Internet going.  A few years ago Wired linked to a story that claimed less than 1% of the internet is porn, which is truly unbelievable.  How sure of it am I?  Well, I’m really sure.  Why is this?  Maybe because a Broadway Musical contains a song entitled “The Internet is for Porn.” (Youtube Link)  If the entire Internet collapsed, where would we be then?  Do you want to be responsible for the collapse of the entire Information Superhighway (with special “Porn Only” lane, of course)?  Do you want to tell your kids that you killed the greatest learning and collaboration tool ever created because you were scarred from when you found your father’s Ron Jeremy tape?  No, you don’t!  Don’t be that guy!

Of course, the $5 billion wouldn’t just go to bigger breasts on the female (and male?) entertainers.  I’m sure it would allow studios to branch out into other… more obscure, genres.  And when you finally find that one site just for you (girlshavingsexwithguyswhiletheyplayvideogamesanddrinkbeer.com), I’m sure you’ll be glad you supported it, too.

Tags: bailout, porn

This entry was posted on Thursday, January 8th, 2009 at 2:30 am and is filed under Politics, Rant. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.