As was widely reported today, the Adult Entertainment Industry, headed by Larry Flynt and Joe Francis, asked today for a $5 billion federal bailout.  Now, obviously, some people laughed this off, but I really want us to consider this.  Is this really such a bad idea?  Could the industry survive without a bailout?  How many jobs would be created by this bailout?  Let’s take a slightly closer (but not too close–makeup can only do so much!) look at this proposal.

First, could the industry survive without this bailout?  Let’s be honest–there are always going to be people who are willing to have sex for money while professional crews film them, and there are always going to guys and girls who are looking for a little bit more.  Now, it is not up to us to question their morals.  We don’t truly know who all views porn.  We suspect that teens talk about it online while talking about sex but, unfortunately, Captain Obvious hasn’t managed to get a research grant for THAT yet.  Maybe the person viewing it is just a nice person, wanting to save  their virginity for marriage, so they watch porn to help them cope.  Maybe they’re into a fetish but don’t feel like divorcing their partner.  Maybe they’re just bored and wanting to kill time on the Internet.  The point is, we can’t judge them… but they will always exist and people will always make porn.

We gave a bailout to the car industry.  We gave a bailout to the banks.  We’re allowing crooks to run around after stealing billions of dollars.  But we won’t give the porn industry a bailout?

Hell, they’re the porn industry and they still screwed less people than the banks.

The economic affects of this cannot be understated.  A fresh supply of high resolution, extremely niche porn is required to keep the Internet going.  A few years ago Wired linked to a story that claimed less than 1% of the internet is porn, which is truly unbelievable.  How sure of it am I?  Well, I’m really sure.  Why is this?  Maybe because a Broadway Musical contains a song entitled “The Internet is for Porn.” (Youtube Link)  If the entire Internet collapsed, where would we be then?  Do you want to be responsible for the collapse of the entire Information Superhighway (with special “Porn Only” lane, of course)?  Do you want to tell your kids that you killed the greatest learning and collaboration tool ever created because you were scarred from when you found your father’s Ron Jeremy tape?  No, you don’t!  Don’t be that guy!

Of course, the $5 billion wouldn’t just go to bigger breasts on the female (and male?) entertainers.  I’m sure it would allow studios to branch out into other… more obscure, genres.  And when you finally find that one site just for you (girlshavingsexwithguyswhiletheyplayvideogamesanddrinkbeer.com), I’m sure you’ll be glad you supported it, too.

Dr. Moreno, Chief Researcher for the College of Shit We Already Knew

The Beast talks about sex on MySpace

There’s really not much more I can say about this.  People (including teens) talk about sex everywhere.  In church, on TV, on Twitter, on their pointless blog, wherever.  God, I hate stupid research reports. Maybe she can continue her work in this field and see if teens talk about the same things on, say, Facebook?  You’re welcome, Dr. Moreno–I better get some of the research grant money.

They may instead talk about sex, substance use, or violence because they are contemplating doing those things, or because they want to brag without actually doing what they say, Moreno said.

Seriously?  You mean teens may lie to their peers in order to artificially influence the way they are seen in their social circles?  Honestly, I’m just waiting for the next revolutionary survey to come from this fine researcher.  Can I go ahead and place a bet on a survey that says almost all teenage boys masturbate frequently?  That’d be real groundbreaking research for our tax money to fund.  Luckily, our tax money went to this amazing study instead of funding something potentially useful to society.

TechCrunch, in a recent blog, have announced that, in retaliation, they aren’t going to cover anything that the AP reports.  This is a great move, to be completely honest.  Why bother?  If the AP feels the need to shut down pages just for giving them free (and, most likely, positive) advertising, then why give it to them?  Screw it.  I’m just glad that TechCrunch is leading the way–hopefully more of the larger sites will follow through.  It sure would be a good thing.

Hopefully the AP realizes that, by now, its normal business of publishing in local papers is dying out because those same papers are starting to die out.  More and more families are ditching their paper to read the stories online and cut down on an unnecessary expense.  The AP should be embracing the internet and the free publicity!  It’s really much the same problem that the music and video industries are facing recently–if you make your content harder to get to, you’re going to decrease interest in your content.  Eventually, people are going to stop caring about your content and then you’re going to be in a weakened position.  It surely cannot hurt the AP that much to be linked to–they need to get wise and get with the times!

EDIT: Now even the good folks at Slashdot are talking about this story.  Yay and whatnot.